dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
