alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
