Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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