Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
