Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
