you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
