I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
