I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
