is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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