I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
