I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
