I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
