my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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