rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
