Just mADE A PArabola og urine
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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