I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
