i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
