high people should be assigned attendants
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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