Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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