so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
