Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
