The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
