Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
