I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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