Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
