You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
