Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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