my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
