if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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