On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
