Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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