Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
