Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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