so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
