I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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