things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
