I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
