just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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