i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
