I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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