I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Im part way to drunk.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
