i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
pop tarts are not kleenex
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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