I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
