My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Randomize
