What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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