she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
