all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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