what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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