I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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