I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
