she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My bed smells like the plague
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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