he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
